Adults and Parents

Parents see it as their duty to get teens involved and engaged in sport, and the prevailing perception is teens need to excel if they are to stick at it.

“Some of them need a boot up the bum because some of them are pretty lazy nowadays. They play on those little Xbox machines. They’d rather be playing with those than getting outside.”

We found adults who are involved in the game have a profound effect on their teens’ overall rugby experience and can influence whether teenagers stay engaged with the game or drift away to something new.

As far as teenagers are concerned they want adults to be taxi drivers, ATM machines, and the rest of the time to stay out of it. Or, if parents must be involved you can drive them to the game, supply the oranges for halftime and support the team - but whatever you do, don’t start dishing out advice - especially during the game from the side-lines (cringe).

During the research, teens were shown a list of words and asked to circle those that best described what they like about the game.

COMBATIVE, PROUD, POWERFUL, STRONG, TOUGH, DETERMINED, FUN

These answers probably wouldn’t go down too well at Mum’s coffee group, but, the true value of these words lies beyond definition alone. We know rugby teaches these lads about the value of an active lifestyle, of pushing themselves, and commitment and teamwork.

Intriguingly many of these words are at odds with New Zealand Rugby’s language for promoting rugby to teens. Perhaps there is a message in there for all of us.

For parents it’s all about success – it’s only natural to want your child to succeed, we certainly don’t hope for them to fail. And in the same way we hope our teens are awarded for academic brilliance in the classroom, parents would love to see their children shine on the rugby field - or at least make the starting XV on Saturday, after all we have provided transport for half the team to get there!

But (listen up adults) a teenager actually wants something different. They want a close battle, they want to improve, and they want it to be about them.

Think about what happens in the playground when no adults are present: a game is improvised - bull rush for example.

Two people are elected captains or assume the role and have a quick game of paper scissors rock to see who picks first. “I’ll take Nigel” … “I’ll take John” … they start off with their best mates, then move on to the best talent to help them win, then through the ranks until the final two, who are feeling a bit stink by this stage.

Then it’s game on; and if it’s not a close enough battle, play will stop as some players are traded until there is a reasonably equal playing field. When the bell goes it’s a case of “next try wins” ... until the following lunch when it starts all over again.

When bull rush was banned in schools, parents and teachers were trying to prevent injuries, or maybe the odd flare up between hot headed opponents. What wasn’t considered was the beneficial social development that is best learned through experiences such as self-led play.

Well-meaning parents and teachers have done this time and again with different sports, trying to protect children. Bumps, bruises and broken bones are all part of growing up and testing their limits.

The following example is a perfect demonstration of how differently teens and adults view rugby.

During the research teens were asked to draw their impression of a rugby player. The researcher drew a basketball player with their bling, tall stature, and fancy hair as an example, and then it was the lads’ turn.

One of the teens from Balclutha drew a Ute (pickup truck) and a stick figure wearing a black singlet, Red Band gumboots, holding a slab of Speights beer.

While the rural teens’ depictions of a rugby player were somewhat different to the urban teens’ ideas of a rugby player - most pictures included a group of mates.

Meanwhile, most of the coaches and parents drew an All Black. They all had V body shapes, muscles, slick hair and a black jersey. It’s a classic association but not one teens automatically make.

In New Zealand, when children are in primary school they generally play for their local club - when they go to high school this changes and they represent and play for their school. When they leave high school, they go back to the club system or grades.

Obviously, this is a major cause in the fall off of players, as the transition can be confusing and a bit of a hassle.

The boys told us when they first started playing rugby, their Dad took them to their old rugby club, or in some cases, the one that was closest and easiest to get to.

Perhaps an explanation of the New Zealand Rugby male would be helpful here. There’s usually intense rivalry and pride between clubs - some Kiwi rugby Dads have been known to say: “Over my dead body will you ever play for the Star Rugby Club”. So, choosing location over tradition is probably more common in metropolitan areas.

A message we received loud and clear from our teenagers was: “The school is mine and the club is Dad’s.”

There’s an additional level of pride and social currency in playing rugby at school level with your mates. It’s a ready-made social group without some of the usual social challenges. School groups allow the teen to re-live game experiences with their peers, while being revered by their school mates meaning even more reward for a game well played.

For young people, the game itself is sacred territory – they don’t want any interruptions or interference. Yes, parents have to be involved for all the logistical elements, teens want to be able to turn the volume down during game time - it’s about them, not their parents.

It’s not that parents don’t mean well - they have a passion for the game and fantastic memories forged from years of growing up playing rugby.

“I just love rugby. I’ll do anything for my club. If I’m driving past and see someone needs a hand, I’ll stop and give them some time. I love everything about it and I just want my boy to love it as well.”

Parents don’t mean to be overbearing and bossy - they’ve probably grown up with the ‘tough love’ approach and feel teaching resilience and instilling the ethics of hard work is the responsibility of a good parent. But times have changed - and parents need to give their children the space they need to learn and grow. Maybe we need a parenting toolkit of things we can say and do to empower our children, rather than hindering them unwittingly.

Something one of the mothers said during the research is well worth a mention. She told us her son came home from school one day, announcing he wanted to play rugby. She was distraught, worried he would get hurt and tried everything to prevent him from playing. Luckily all her attempts failed, and she now realises it was the best decision she never made for her son, because rugby helped shape him into a fine young man.